Eliza strongly disapproves of human sexytime.
At least, this is what I have come to believe is true, after numerous occasions of her sitting on the corner of the bed, staring at us without blinking, while we try to ignore her and remain in flagrante.
I suspect it is because I am canoodling her man. She loved me before Boyfriend moved in. Now, she merely thinks I am pretty okay, and only because I am the one who feeds her. Boyfriend has become her most prized possession, and she follows him around, flopping on her back to expose her belly for rubs, and giving him the cutest, hugest anime cat eyes ever to be seen.
She has made it clear doesn’t appreciate my compromising his ability to use both hands to pet her at all times. This was reaffirmed this morning, when it was my turn for pets. Seeing we were unfazed by the laser beams she was steadily shooting at us from across the room, she decided to up the game by utilizing one of the most effective tools in the feline arsenal: the diaphragm.
You may not have a cat. If this is so, please believe me when I say that they are perfectly willing and able to use vomit in retaliation for any number of violations you may commit. Did you put them in the cat carrier? They will aim for the most difficult-to-clean nooks and crannies. Leave for vacation? Enjoy the souvenirs. That they’ve left in piles. On your bed.
Other cat owners will be familiar with the noise a cat makes when they seem to be trying to eject their stomach through their mouth and nostrils in times of digestive distress and disapproval of intercourse. Non-cat-owners, please imagine the following sound: “HORK.”
This particular morning, it started quietly in the distance: “Hork. Hooork. Horkkkk.” Boyfriend shook his head, but maintained focus. It drew closer. “Hork. Hork-hork-hork.” I sighed, but we forged on. And then, right next to the headboard:
“HORK HORK HORK HORK HORK!”
Eliza: 1 — Humans Authorities: 0. We totally cracked up and the sexy mood faded faster than her interest in the insanely expense toys I buy her. There is nothing, NOTHING, that a cat excels at more than being entirely inconvenient.
Jokes on you, though, cat. This is why humans invented showers — also known as cat-proof sex dens.
the wrinkled brow 