Oof.

 

Boyfriend and I had to have a difficult talk. The kind of talk that is bound to leave at least one person feeling like they have been kicked in the stomach. I am the one that wound up doubled over this time.

But.

I am a girl who, when she says she genuinely wants to know what someone honestly thinks, means it, and means it big time. I don’t want to be placated, and sugarcoated information just leaves me with a stomachache. If left to my own devices, I will imagine worst-case scenarios, and the truth is often less painful than the anxiety-fueled horrors I can dream up in my head.

That wasn’t the case this time, unfortunately. This time, the truth totally sucked.

BUT.

Just barely on the other side of this excruciating conversation, I can already see the dim glow of the silver linings. That’s right, not just one lining – two. Pain often brings sharp clarity and new understanding of both oneself and the ones we love, and this suck-fest of a conversation leaves me better informed on two critical points.

The first: Boyfriend loves me enough to participate in a completely honest relationship with me… and that is no small thing. I’ve been on the other side before; I’ve been the one doing the kicking, and it is gut wrenching. When you really love someone, it is no easier to say difficult things than it is to hear them. I am so grateful that he knows me well enough to understand that I need clear, specific information so the negative feedback loops and obsessive thought patterns are reduced to only what actually exists in reality. I truly appreciate his willingness to cause me some pain now in order to circumvent brutal mental self-flagellation later on.

And the second: in allowing myself to fully embrace pain, instead of shielding myself from it with anger, I am doing a kindness not only to Boyfriend, but also to myself. It would have been very easy to bury my sincere sadness underneath a huge pile of righteous indignation, but for the first time, I was able to immediately see how poorly that would serve us both. Boyfriend would feel punished for his honesty. I would merely be delaying the pain I would surely experience later, when I ran out of fury and expletives. How interesting that by skipping the step where I spend a week looking at him like he just intentionally ran over my cat, I feel less alone in my pain. And as a result, we are currently treating one another with careful kindness, not avoiding one another in convoluted figure eights around our house.

So obvious, and yet, such a revelation to me, after years of dysfunctional relationships and horrible, horrible lower-case boyfriends:

A truly strong relationship involves remaining on the same side… even when the person sharing your side has made it a little difficult for you to breathe. It requires them to quietly stand next to you until you can straighten up again. And it requires you to forgive them for the kick.